Looking at another analysis: HIV/AIDS in the U.S. Military

This is a post looking at how the introduction and policy section of the article.

The introduction is good at giving the topic a sense of humanity by connecting the man on the quilt to the overall topic.  The introduction then turns to give an idea of what will be continued in the essay.  I think it could be improved by not having the thesis bolded as it interrupts the flow of reading.  The author linked to an article used for a statistic.  The author also names military policies specifically meant to keep LGB people out of the military and gave a description of what the policy said.  The author uses other sources that are parenthetically cited but instead of just taking a lot of quotes they paraphrase.  The evidence shows that the author can find many good sources to use.  There is much more putting evidence in the essay than making deeper connections.  The stating of which evidence comes from which source could be improved to avoid confusion.

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